


Metamorphosis of The Mind

by primaryglitch



Series: Alternative Age [1]
Category: Universal Century Gundam, 機動戦士ガンダム | Mobile Suit Gundam (TV)
Genre: Gen, Hallucinations, Medical Procedures, Medical Torture, More tags will be added if needed, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, cybernewtype amuro, trigger warning will be in the chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-02-01 03:43:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21362266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primaryglitch/pseuds/primaryglitch
Summary: As the One Year War reaches its end, the Earth Federation is forced to face the proof of the existence Newtypes, and more interestingly their extraordinary abilities in battle. With remnants of The Principality of Zeon escaping their grasp bringing along with them their superior knowledge of Newtypes, the possibility of retaliation is high in the minds of the Federation. However, their advancements did show that there is an way to harness the abilities of Newtypes. Fuel by fear and greed, the Federation votes to create a research team solely devoted to the study of Newtypes.Within the Federation, Amuro Ray has become the poster boy for Newtypes. As such, he is deemed to be the prefect subject for their research. With the intention of finding out how to harness, enhance, and create more Newtypes the Federation is willing to cast away ethics to achieve their goals by any means necessary.
Relationships: Char Aznable/Amuro Ray/Lalah Sune
Series: Alternative Age [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1540066
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Metamorphosis of The Mind

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter acts as somewhat of a preface to the actually story, introducing the kind of mindset Amuro is in to start with to better display how it will begin to shift.

Sensations of the battle that raged around him faded into the background, the projected thoughts of others dwindling to a whisper. The dying thoughts of men vaporized by explosions, the laments of those whose pain was drawn out by fatal wounds, the fear and frenzy that always followed soldiers- it all had disappeared. Once it had been disorientating and overwhelming, the thoughts and feelings of so many flooding into him. But now, he just felt empty. Amuro simply let himself be carried by the blasts around him as the corridors fell to pieces, barely taking mind of his surroundings as even his own thoughts felt distant. There was no point to, he was at the end of his rope.

Despite it all, the throbbing in his right shoulder wouldn’t let him forget his encounter with Char. His voice seemed to echo in his mind, his words engraving themselves in his soul. It shouldn’t have affected him so deeply, yet Char himself wasn't the reason he was so unsettled. It was that his ideas mirrored the believes that Amuro had buried in the deepest corners of his mind. That he was just a weapon, that it was just the natural order for Newtypes to become tools of war, weapons of mass destruction. That no matter his efforts, he could never be anything else. Even though Amuro had become the White Devil, he longed for peace, not war. A peace where humanity could learn to understand each other, where humanity would grow. That was not the reality that Char believed in, the reality that he wanted him to understand. 

He found what he could agree with Char on one thing, however, that a new age was upon them- what Char had called Age of Newtypes. Char had seemed convinced that it would mean another war would befall them and Newtypes would be the instruments of such, the apparatus of which humanity would destroy itself with. But Lalah had believed that different times were ahead, an age of peace and progress. The dichotomy was drastic, a split between the two as if they were sides of a coin. As much as Amuro wanted to fully deny Char’s visions and embrace Lalah’s, he could not see humanity fully moving towards either. Would a period of peace follow or could the conflict continue on? He couldn’t tell. And it seemed it wouldn’t matter to him as it was becoming more and more difficult to stay conscious. The shock of his wound had faded, leaving pain in its wake to partner with the mental strain of battling using his full potential. His body and mind urged him to sleep, one he knew he wouldn’t wake up from in this realm. He could journey to that distant shore where Lalah waited for him, the one that he had only glimpsed at across the horizon line. That thought of joining Lalah was pleasant, to be with the one who had been able to understand him. 

Yet, there was the unmistakable sound in the back of his head of her voice ringing out. Her tone was so soft as called to him, just as it had been when they first met as if he had not killed her, murdered her. There was no resentment or disgust, only fondness. Even now, he thought that he didn’t deserve her- not after everything he had done. She called out to him, but not for him to return to her. No, she called out to him to remember those who remained. As if she had controlled the tides, waves of his memories washed over him, thoughts and feelings of who he had encountered in the short period of time that he had awakened his latent abilities.

**Fraw Bow**, his first real friend who had always looked out for him, who had stuck with him through thick and thin. On White Base she acted the same towards him as she had on Side 7, trying to get him to take care of himself even when he was being stubborn and irrational and downright childish. They had drifted apart, with his mind being occupied by the confusion and consequences of being a Newtype along with the stress that came with piloting the Gundam, but Fraw remained there for him. He could never truly return her feelings for him, and he could tell she had come to realize the same thing- yet that did not deter her in their friendship. He never voiced it, but he was thankful that she continued to be a constant in his life, the one thing that had stayed the same from Side 7. However, that did not mean she didn’t change, given the circumstances he imagined that everyone on White Base was forced to. She grew strong in her own way, becoming a surrogate mother to the children of White Base. To be able to keep them safe and happy in a warzone was nothing short of a miracle. He wished her the best, just as she did for him. Perhaps, in a world where White Base and Zeon never came to Sides 7, he could have grown to return her affection fully.

**Hayato Kobayashi**, the only other familiar face from Side 7, but far more distant than Fraw was to him. At first, Amuro thought Hayoto resented him because of his father, but as he watched him and Fraw become closer it clicked that he was simply just jealous. Amuro found he felt indifferent towards Hayato and his affection for Fraw along with his resentment towards himself. However, he did want Fraw to be happy, and he couldn’t provide her with what she wanted- Hayato, on the other hand, could and wanted to. Hayato was a good man on the battlefield, watching his back despite his personal opinion towards himself. He felt he could trust him with Fraw’s heart, to not hurt her or leave her- she had already suffered from enough lost- and that in turn, Fraw could learn to feel for him as well. Maybe after he realized Amuro wasn’t a challenge, they could become friends.

**Kai Shidan**, his not-quite friend but not quite just an acquaintance either His cynicism and detachment was not unfounded or unreasonable, considering that he had been a normal citizen forced into war. At first, Kai wasn’t loyal to White Base or its crew, just as Amuro had been himself- he was just more vocal about wanting to escape war and responsibility. He could understand him and his decision, unlike most of the crew, which is why he extended his hand by giving him his toolbox. But Kai had found his reason for fighting and had slowly integrated himself into the tight-knit community that White Base had become. He never became especially close to Kai, but they had each other's back in battle and had a decent if a bit odd relationship outside of it.

**Bright Noa**, who he had come to respect in some ways despite the rocky start of their relationship. Amuro realized that Bright’s choices were given with the good of the whole in mind and that such actions were fitting for a commander, even when it caused him torment. However, it did surprise him greatly when he learned that Bright didn’t outright hate him and actually felt fondly of him to a degree. Bright didn’t openly express affection, even in small ways like Mirai and Sayla did, so he had believed that Bright saw him as nothing more than an asset to White Base, a weapon in her arsenal. But Bright was sympathetic to his pain, but he just decided that such emotions couldn’t rule his actions, that it couldn’t when they faced an uphill battle with his makeshift crew. He knew it wasn’t right to use basically children as soldiers, untrained and unwilling too, but for the sake of people on White Base and the ones they were fighting to protect- he had too. Amuro could respect him making such a hard decision, one that Bright must have known would cause him to be the target of hate. His negative emotions eventually calmed towards Bright, realizing that he was doing the best he could given the circumstances. His decisions did lead him to where he was now, for better or for worse. While it would have saved him a lot of pain if he wasn’t pressured to continued to pilot, he wouldn’t have met who he did if not for White Base.

**Mirai Yashima**, she had become like a mother to him even with his resistant to open himself up to others. After his mother disowned him, he thought he would never crave or accept maternal affection again after such a betrayal. Yet, Mirai craved her place in his heart with her open hand and warm nature. She wasn’t much older than him, but she was mature beyond her years. While she lost two men that she could have loved, her fiance Cameron Bloom to his cowardliness and then Sleggar Law to war, she still remained a figure of comfort- not just for him, but for all the younger members of White Base. She wasn’t as soft on him as one would expect a mother to be, she reprimanded him for his poor choices just as Bright would- but she also was there for him in his darkest moments. She reminded him a lot of Fraw at times, their attitudes mirroring each other in ways. They both had become close to him and had a caring nature that persisted through the horrors and hardships of war. He never expected this woman from the same colony as him who he had only possibly seen in passing to become a staple in his life.

**Sayla Mass**, she had captured his attention from the beginning. At first, he had believed that he had a crush on her but as time when on, he realized that he felt something more akin to a deep admiration for her and kinship. She was the first woman he knew to display such a spirit as she had, brave in the face of danger and unwavering determination. She had an air to her that was so different than what he had experienced before which pulled him in. He wanted to learn more about her, be around her. But after the whirlwind of emotions he felt towards Matilda, he realized that what he felt towards Sayla wasn’t what he had first thought. After she became the pilot of the Core booster, they grew closer. She understood the pressure he felt during the heat of battle and pain that piloting still brought him more than anyone else- he found someone that was sympathetic towards him but also able to push him forwards in a way no one else on White Base could. Then, their bond as Newtypes, she didn’t experience it to the extent that he did but she was the first on White Base to understand at all, and that alone was enough. Even with his rivalry with Char Aznable putting him complicating their relationship, their kinship never faded.

And then he remembered her...**Lalah Sun**, his first love, when she had been alive. Lalah was, well, he didn’t know how to describe Lalah. He had never met anyone like her, and he knew he would never meet anyone else like her again. She was too unique, too compatible with him in a way beyond the constraints of circumstances for someone to ever compare to her. He had felt an immediate bond with her that seemed eternal as if they had known each other forever, beyond his own life and beyond that of his own understanding. Their time together was tragically short, but she could see him like no other. She saw the depths of his soul and in turn, he peered into the abysses of hers. They were so different, yet they had come to share the same ideals, the same hopes. Fate was cruel, yet he had to accept it. He was the one that killed her. His hands had been bloodied for a long time then, but her blood left the deepest stains. He would never be able to truly move on, how could he when the one who he would have spent the rest of his life with, no the rest of time with, was now gone but his own hands. He couldn't bring himself to regret meeting her, even knowing that they could have never been together. If only he could have found her sooner, their lives would be different. But they wouldn't be the same people if fate had brought them together soon. There was a reason that he had found her far too late, even if he couldn't possibly see why. But he couldn't help but long for her, long to go to her and cast away the constraints of his flesh and blood to go to where she was waiting.

Yet, despite the deep visceral pain that had been seeded in his heart, she had made him remember so clearly that his place was still with the realm of the living. Just as he had heard Lalah, he could hear the calls of the living who he had bonded with. The crew of White Base had become precious to him in the great expanses of space, the chill of the abyss becoming filled with warmth. Space was her graveyard, the site of his greatest sin, but it was also where he had found his home. Despite everything, there was still love. Time continued to march on as the hearts and minds of humanity continued to become more intertwined, desiring a connection as he had with Lalah. It was beautiful in its own right, just as it was tragic that so many others would fall victim to the pain of separation. However, the souls of those lost were never really gone. He could still feel her among the many millions of souls that lingered in the Earthsphere and beyond. In the cosmos, they were infinite- life, death, and rebirth mixed as one.

But for now, he needed to guide the living. So he called out to them, each and every one of those who had left a mark on his heart and used all his strength and will to help them. He had made so many mistakes he could never fix, taken so many lives, but now, he could save them. Even as the pain within his mind began to overtake them, he reached out. As he watched them reach safety, and relief washed over him. At the very least he had finally been able to use his abilities to help, not hurt.

With the last of his strength, he brought his attention to the controls and began to pilot to the best of his ability in his weakened state. He couldn’t say if he found himself deserving of life, to rejoin with the ones he loved, but at the same time, he felt as if he hadn’t earned death, to rejoin Lalah. He hung in the grey area, unsure of what path to take. Yet, Lalah had wanted him to live, and Sayla too. He felt those of White Base, all of them, echoing the same sediment. They hopping he was alive, that he would come back to them. So he would, if not for himself then for them.

It wasn't a betrayal to chose to stay with those remaining, not really. Lalah would understand, she understood the tragedy that was life- how fleeting it was yet that it still was profoundly beautiful. That while he was still alive, he should treasure those around him. One day he would make his home with Lalah, but right now, his home was with the family he had found. Seeing them in front of them, reaching out for him with open arms and smiles- he knew that this was where he belonged.


End file.
